


die for you in secret

by ellewriteswrongs



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Injury, Case Fic, Character Death, Character Study, Death, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt Spencer Reid, Kidnapping, Kinda, M/M, Spencer Reid Whump, Whump, idk what else to tag yikes, the found family vibes really jumped out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:55:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25946941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellewriteswrongs/pseuds/ellewriteswrongs
Summary: i've spent a long time studying death, grief, and various associated topics in various classes over a few years now and one thing that I love writing is angst in the form of intricate examinations of grief so if hardcore angst and talk about death is not for you, then please don't read!! i know this isn't for everyone, but I personally find the intricacies of grief very interesting so hopefully this isn't too horrific:)--character study into the bau and how they handle the death of one of their members<3
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/William LaMontagne Jr. (background)
Comments: 30
Kudos: 86





	die for you in secret

**Author's Note:**

> final warning if you think you might be uncomfortable with this! it's very, very dark and there is honestly nothing remotely fluffy, aside from lots of comforting:)
> 
> (tw: blood, stabbing, dead bodies, murder, hostage scenarios, death mentions)
> 
> ((y'all know what happens around here i mean this is criminal minds we're talking about))

“Where am I?” Spencer spoke under his breath to a seemingly-empty room flooded with darkness.

_“Where you are hardly matters,”_ a voice from the darkness replied, making the young genius flinch. He looked around the room desperate to find any indication of where he was when the details of last thing he could remember came flooding back.

A case.

Henderson, North Carolina.

Six abductions; three couples that were engaged.

Three murders; the partner that proposed released alive each time.

Arthur Vallejo.

His fiancée was killed in a hit and run, no one was ever charged.

He and Derek went to Arthur’s house while the others went to check his work and fiancée’s old house.

Derek checked the front door while he went to the back-

Derek wasn’t there.

Where-

“There’s no need to panic,” the voice, Arthur, spoke again. His attention snapped back, blocking out the thoughts of his boyfriend.

_Fiancé_ , he reminded himself. Of course. What a fucking stellar time to be engaged.

“Where’s my partner?” He answered calmly and confidently. “The man that was here with me, where is he?”

Arthur laughed coldly and Spencer felt a chill run down his spine.

“He’s not far, don’t worry. You’ll see him soon enough.”

Spencer felt the cold metal on his ring finger more than usual and he considered trying to slip it off before Arthur found out he was engaged, but with the man standing right across the dark room, he didn’t want to risk anything.

“Why are you holding us here?” He continued, trying to maintain his usual composure when dealing with unsubs. He’d been held hostage himself far more times than was healthy, but the fact that Derek was there with him was entirely different.

“Because I’m _sick_ of people telling me that this is something I can move on from,” Arthur seethed, stepping out of the darkness and showing his face. “People like _you_ who still get to go home to the person they love telling me that I’ll find someone else one day.”

Shit.

So he already knew.

And not only did he know Spencer was engaged, he knew he was engaged to _Derek Morgan_ and they walked right into his trap.

Fucking superb.

“I would never say that to you, Arthur,” he answered coolly. “I’ve lost people that I loved in the past, someone I probably would’ve married at the time if I could’ve, but I would never tell someone that they have to move on.”

Arthur watched his face as he spoke as if trying to find out if he was lying or not.

“You’re _actually_ trying to tell me you understand?” His reaction turned sour.

“I do, Arthur. I do understand,” he pleaded with everything he had learned.

Empathize.

Relate to the unsub.

Convince them that you’re on their side.

Make them feel safe.

Assure them that you’re not the enemy.

“Seven years ago I had a girlfriend,” he started as calmly and slowly as he could. “Her name was Maeve. Maeve Donovan, and I loved her. I really did. Back then, I probably would’ve married her if she hadn’t been killed. She was shot right in front of me, Arthur. I was tied up, I didn’t have a chance to help her, to _save_ her. I understand, I really do.”

Arthur didn’t speak for a long time. He walked closer, reached his hands into his pockets, and pulled out a switchblade, flipping it open.

“Losing someone you love doesn’t make us the same,” Arthur spoke. Spencer nodded, hoping the knife was to be used to cut the binds around his wrists. “We are _not_ the same.”

“I _know_ , I _know_ that,” he assured him. “I know we aren’t, but I do understand. You can trust me, I’m not like the others.”

Arthur smiled, a glint in his eyes that wouldn’t take a profiler to recognize meant nothing good.

“No you’re not,” he whispered, the knife now fully pointed at Spencer. “You’re worse.”

* * *

Derek awoke with an ache in his neck and ringing in his ears.

The room was dark with nothing but a small window with a crack in the curtains letting out a sliver of light casting a faint orange glow around an otherwise

empty room. It looked a bit like a bedroom or office, but there was nothing but the single window and a radiator that he found himself handcuffed to.

He quickly felt sick as he remembered what had happened, as he heard Spencer’s cry for help and sprinted to the back of the house, cursing himself for not sticking together.

Arthur had blitz attacked his fiancé and the second he saw Spencer there on the ground, he couldn’t help but run to his side. Besides, he could protect Spencer if he was by his side, even if Arthur got away. He stood by his choice to take that risk, but he hadn’t expected Arthur to just swing at him too.

“Spencer!” He called out, tugging against his restraints. When he received no reply, the panic in his chest just increased. The door to the room remained closed. “Arthur Vallejo, we know who you are! There’s nothing else you can do, just let us go!”

When the door opened, his heart sank at the sight of Arthur. Sure, it had been naïve on his part to expect someone to come and save him, but it still hurt.

Until he saw the bloody knife in the man’s hand.

“Where is he?” He demanded, his voice deep and angry and terrified. “What did you do to him?”

His mind was racing with horrifying images of the past victims and what could’ve happened to Spencer.

Arthur just laughed once and folded the knife into his pocket.

“You’re the profiler, you should know the answer to that,” he replied coyly.

Derek saw red.

“I swear to god, if you touch him I’ll-“

“You’ll what? Kill me? Honestly, I’d love to see you try,” Arthur interrupted, instead pulling out a syringe from his coat. “But unfortunately that’s not part of the plan, Derek.”

He stiffened at the use of his name.

“You know who I am,” he spoke, not asking, but imploring the man to tell him more.

“Of course. I know who both of you are,” he elaborated. “It wasn’t just luck that I showed up at the location that you two were tasked with investigating, you know.”

Derek’s blood ran cold. So not only did he target them, but he had had to have bugs in their phones. And, he knew where all the others were too.

“Oh, come on. I’m sure you’ve already figured out how this goes, haven’t you?” Arthur prompted. “Isn’t that all that you profilers...do?”

Derek didn’t give him the satisfaction of a reaction.

“What, you’re not going to play nice? Honestly, I could end this for both of you much quicker, but I’m trying to be nice here,” he continued. “Now, your fiancé is across the hall trying not to bleed out, I assume.”

Derek felt his heart drop to his feet.

“My plan was to take you to him. Let you say your goodbyes, hold him as he takes his last breath, yada yada yada,” Arthur explained as if it was nothing. Derek went pale. “At least that’s what I usually do. So that you’ll _understand._ But if you don’t play nice, maybe I’ll just keep you here.”

_“Please,”_ Derek choked, not expecting that from himself. “I’ll do whatever you want, just please let me see him.”

Arthur laughed, walking up to Derek and crouching down.

“You see, I would love to do that. I really would. However,” he paused, making Derek’s blood boil. “Your little boy toy in there thinks he understands why I’m doing this. He thinks that because he lost someone he would’ve spent his life with, that he’s different than all the others.”

Maeve. Of _course_ he tried to use Maeve to try to talk him down.

“And?” Derek asked, the anger seeping back into his voice.

“And I needed to punish him a bit for that. I made him call your boss, Aaron Hotchner. Wait, Hotch isn’t it?” Derek just glared up at him. “Now Spencer told him that this house was all clear and that you two were going to canvass the neighborhood looking for anyone who saw when I last left the house. That way I can buy a few hours until it’s too late for them to rescue you anyway.”

Derek felt the pit in his stomach grow deeper and deeper.

“Please just let me see him,” he begged, giving up on his negotiation training out of the longing to save the man he loved. “Please, you don’t have to hurt us. We haven’t done anything wrong-“

A sharp bark of laughter from Arthur had Derek’s heart beating out of his chest. He pulled tighter on his restraints, feeling the sharp metal start to cut into his wrists and hands.

“That’s the thing, Derek,” Arthur mused, twirling the syringe between his fingers. “It’s more fun to kill the innocent ones.”

* * *

Spencer’s head was still spinning as he heard the sound of a door opening. The room was still dark, but he could hear perfectly fine. He moved to sit upright from his fetal position, wincing as his stomach wound protested the movement.

The sound only someone in their line of work would recognize as an unconscious body hitting the ground actually gave him a bit of hope.

He wasn’t restrained, thankfully, but the stab wound to his side was debilitating enough that it took him quite a few minutes to drag himself across the floor once the door closed. His forearms ached as he pulled himself across the floor, his feet doing most of the work but his arms taking most of the pain. Every move he made sent waves of pain shooting through his body, but he kept going.

Even for a small chance it was Derek, he’d find a way to get to him.

The second he felt a hand in front of him, he knew.

He’d held those hands more times than he could ever begin to count. He knew every fingerprint by heart and there was no stopping the relieved sob that escaped his lips as he realized he had made it and that he was no longer alone.

_“Derek,”_ he whimpered softly, his tears falling as he reached through the darkness to find the man’s face, cradling it gently in his hands when he did. Even though he couldn’t see it, his fingers traced the line of his jaw until he found his pulse point, exhaling a huge weight from off of his shoulders when he found a strong pulse.

With no way to know how long it would take whatever Arthur used to knock him out to wear off, he curled up on the ground, placing his head in the crook of Derek’s arm like he always did, and let the exhaustion from over-exerting his injury take over as he fell asleep.

* * *

Derek felt the weight pressed against him before he fully awoke. It was familiar and it was almost enough to make him forget that he wasn’t curled up at home or on the jet until he registered the cold wood floor beneath him and the panic was enough to wake him up.

As his eyes snapped open, it was almost as if they hadn’t.

The room was almost entirely dark, with one sliver of light coming from behind them. He glanced around for any sign of Arthur before he let himself relax and focus on the fact that Arthur had brought him to Spencer. He shook the other man awake gently, smiling to himself at the way he scrunched his nose and tried to curl further into Derek’s chest.

“Spence, you gotta’ wake up. Come on, baby, the sooner you do, the sooner we can use that brain of yours to get us out of here,” he whispered, running a hand through Spencer’s hair.

Reluctantly, Spencer woke up and was once again faced with the reminder that he was currently still bleeding from his abdomen.

“Fuck,” he grunted, his arms wrapped tightly around his stomach.

Derek huffed a laugh at his fiancé’s uncharacteristic swearing.

“You good?” He asked, trying to get his eyes to adjust to the darkness so he could see anything at all. He felt around the ground with his hands where Spencer was lying down just moments ago and froze. There was something wet on his hands and, as he held his hand up close, it was clearly something dark, despite the lack of light. “Spencer?”

When he received no answer he began to panic, his eyes being able to make out the other man’s figure just an arm's length away.

“Yeah—yeah I’m good, I just...” he trailed off, and Derek moved to sit beside him. “He just stabbed me is all.”

Derek did a double-take, trying to find enough detail in the darkness to try to read the other man’s face, but he couldn’t.

“W-what?”

“I’m fine, I’ll be fine, we just need to focus getting out of here-“

“No! No way, I’m not doing anything until I can make sure you’re okay. This is serious, baby he’s killed three people like this, I can’t just not think about it,” Derek argued, his hands covering Spencer’s as they both put pressure on the wound. “The team will come and find us, you know they will. They know you’d never call and ask to canvass the neighbors, no one in their right mind would do that.”

They both laughed softly.

“JJ and I joked about making a code word after Hankel. Something easy to slip into a forced conversation if we needed help,” Spencer spoke as quietly as he could, just in case Arthur was listening in. “Hotch doesn’t know about it. Our only hope is if he relays the call word-by-word to the rest of the team.”

Derek sighed, trying not to let his doubts show in his body language, but he knew there wasn’t much he could hide, especially from a profiler.

“They’ll come find us. Just hold on for me.”

Spencer nodded, burying his face into the crook of Derek’s neck as he tried to block out the pain. Talking helped distract him, but as soon as they both stopped, he went right back to feeling like he was, well, dying.

He shifted closer in Derek’s embrace, wincing in pain, but quickly the other man clamped a hand over his wound, pulling off Spencer’s cardigan and tying it around his wound as a makeshift tourniquet. Once he was finished, one hand went to keep pressure on the stab wound and the other was buried in Spencer’s hair.

“Hurts,” he grunted out, wanting to save his strength by not talking as much. Derek’s lips met his forehead.

“I know. I know, pretty boy. It’s gonna’ continue to hurt no matter what, but just hold on a little while longer, okay? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

He nodded again, bringing a hand to cradle Derek’s face as he traced his features shakily.

“I don’t want to die,” he mumbled, his voice cracking as Derek caught his hand and pressed it to his lips.

“You won’t, baby. Everything’s gonna’ be okay. I bet Garcia’s already tracked our phones, she knows we never left. The team’s probably on their way here right this second.”

* * *

“Hey, have you seen Reid? Garcia sent over five years worth of incident reports in the area and it’s way too much to read,” Emily asked around to JJ and Rossi who were working in the conference room with the local PD.

“Hotch said he and Morgan were canvassing,” Rossi answered with a smirk that JJ mirrored.

“Canvassing? Voluntarily?” Emily prodded in disbelief. “Derek hates canvassing, there’s no way even Reid could convince him to spend-“ she glanced at the clock. “ _Four_ hours canvassing.”

JJ seemed to share her concern fairly quickly, pulling out her phone to call her best friend only for it to go straight to voicemail. Emily did the same but Derek’s phone had the same result. Rossi called Garcia while the girls kept trying and asked her to track their phones as quickly as possible.

“Sir, they’ve both been shut off as of about two hours ago,” Garcia answered. “Why would they do that? They know they’re not supposed to-“

“Penelope, what was their last known location?” Rossi continued, not wanting her to keep stewing in her panic.

“It’s...oh. They shut off at Arthur Vallejo’s house.”

The tension in the room was building and building as Emily dashed off to track down Hotch and tell him what was going on.

Just as quickly as she had left, Emily came rushing back into the conference room.

“Hotch said Reid called him about thirty minutes after they got to the scene,” Emily explained. “According to their phones, they didn’t leave that spot for at least thirty more minutes before the signal cuts off.”

Rossi sighed deeply.

“So it _was_ Arthur,” he concludes as if he’s disappointed that their profile led them to the right guy in the first place. “Well, you all know what we have to do.”

JJ nodded sternly, tucking away her phone, credentials, and gun. Emily did the same but with a bit less visible fear and a bit more conviction.

“Let’s go get our boys back.”

* * *

“You still hanging in there for me?” Derek asked after almost another hour of torturous waiting. A sad smile rested on his face as he held his fiancé in his arms and fought to keep him awake and alive. “Spencer?”

The younger man only let out an unintelligible noise of discomfort.

Derek exhaled softly, kissing the top of his head.

“That’s my boy. Come on, let me see those pretty brown eyes.”

Spencer’s eyes scrunched in discomfort before slowly opening and settling on Derek’s face. He was clearly too exhausted to try to hide the pain in his eyes, but he still felt the same warmth in his chest as he looked at the man he loved.

Derek Morgan was not an easy crier. He could probably count on his hands the number of times he’d cried in the last decade or more, but nothing hurt him worse than seeing Spencer suffering. Derek was smart, not IQ of 187 smart, but he was a smart man. He was just lying to himself the longer he kept believing that everything would still be okay. The more time had passed without the team finding them, the more it became likely that they would just end up as victims number seven and eight in the case file.

If someone was going to come rescue them, they wouldn’t know what hit them. Two federal agents held hostage in an ordinary house in a suburban neighborhood, one of them bleeding out slowly as they sat together in the dark.

What a sight.

He just hoped it would be Hotch that found them. Or maybe Rossi.

Even Emily would be able to compartmentalize it eventually, if she didn’t just pack up and leave her life behind again first.

As long as it wasn’t JJ. The news was going to hurt her badly enough for one lifetime. She didn’t need to see her best friend murdered like that.

“You’ll make sure my mom’s okay?” Spencer spoke up softly, snapping Derek out of his wallowing as he sniffled away his silent tears.

“Course I will,” he answered.

Spencer always found comfort in the logical things after all. The most logical thing to do was to plan what would happen just in case no one came to save them in time.

“And make sure JJ and Penelope never have to see...this...if you can,” he added. Derek couldn’t stop the tears from falling but the sentiment did put a gentle smile on his face.

“I’ll take care of them, pretty boy, don’t you worry.” He tried to mask the emotion in his voice, but there was no stopping it. “I swear, you’re too good for us all, Spencer Reid. Too good.”

A small exhale of what probably could’ve been laughter if he’d had enough energy followed the statement.

“Thank you for taking care of me,” the younger man continued, his eyes blinking slowly but never breaking eye contact with Derek. “Not just today, but since the beginning. You make me feel safe.”

Derek wiped the tears off of his face, not really making much of a difference. His tear-soaked hand moved to cradle Spencer’s cheek.

_“You make me feel whole.”_

Spencer tilted his head ever so slightly to press a kiss to Derek’s thumb as it rested on his cheek.

“Promise me you won’t remember me like this,” he spoke slowly, clearly drained and exhausted. “I never would’ve wanted you to see me like this.”

His cheeks were pale but Derek knew in any other circumstance they would be flushed a dark red.

“Spencer,” he spoke, trying to clear his voice from cracking, but to no avail. “How you are right here, right now…seeing you fighting to survive…that’s the man I fell in love with.” Spencer looked like he could cry as his terrified eyes softened. “You are the strongest person I’ve ever known. You’re a fighter and I have never loved you more than I do in this moment right here.”

As Spencer’s eyes began to droop, Derek tapped his cheek until he opened them again, trying to get him to stay awake.

“I love you. ‘m so tired,” Spencer mumbled deliriously. Derek didn’t even try to hold back his sob.

“ _Please,”_ he choked out. “Please don’t go.”

He watched intently, studying every inch of the younger man’s face as the corner of his lips quirked up.

“‘m not going anywhere,” he murmured. “I’ll keep fighting. Promise.”

Derek kissed his forehead sweetly, tasting his own tears on his lips.

“I know,” he whispered back. “I know you will. You’re so strong.”

A faint exhale from Spencer’s nose was as close as he could come to laughter.

“I’m serious,” Derek argued, fighting a small smile. “You’re the strongest man I’ve ever met.”

“Pot...meet kettle,” he spoke softly, Derek letting out a pained and watery laugh that he couldn’t hold back.

“Okay, pretty boy, whatever you say.”

Spencer nodded contently, barely moving his head, but it was enough for Derek to feel it against his chest.

“Der?” Spencer asked quietly. The older man clung to his every word.

“Yeah baby?” He tapped a few times on the other man’s cheek to keep him from closing his eyes.

“Sing for me?”

Derek was just a bit taken aback by the request.

“You and I both know I can’t sing, kid.”

Spencer smiled at how true the point was.

“Just talk then,” he countered. “Just...wanna’ hear your voice.”

Derek couldn’t help the knot in his stomach tightening.

“You better not go closing your eyes on me, alright?”

Spencer smiled again.

“Course not.”

“That’s my boy,” he smiled back, tears dripping down his face.

With one hand still applying pressure to the wound and the other comfortingly running his fingers through Spencer’s hair, Derek took a shaky deep breath and kept his eyes locked on his fiancé’s.

“If I were a genius like you, I would have a million options of things I could say to you, but I’m not so this is the best I’ve got,” he started, his voice cracking every few words, but Spencer still smiled up at him like he hung the stars in the sky. “I love you more than I thought it was possible to love another human being. I knew from the moment I met you that my life would never be the same with you in it, and I wish more than anything in the world that we could have all the time together that I think we’ve rightfully earned.” He choked out the words, his tears flooding out. “I think we’ve earned the right to love each other forever.”

Spencer’s eyes were brimming with tears.

“Even...even if... _I’m_ not here,” he managed to speak slowly. “I won’t ever... _ever_ stop...loving you.”

Derek smiled through a sob, pressing their foreheads together.

_“But I don’t want to love you alone,”_ he cried, finally letting loose all of his emotions.

“Then don’t,” Spencer continued, that spark of genius in his eyes that Derek had known for years. “Do it...with JJ...and Penelope...and-and Emily, Rossi, and Hotch.” Derek shook his head, trying to convey without words how it just wasn’t the same.

“You will... _never_...be alone,” Spencer insisted, his voice giving out. _“Never.”_

Derek just cupped his face and stroked the pad of his thumb across Spencer’s increasingly-pale skin, wanting to memorize how it felt and never let it go.

He hadn’t prayed since he was a boy, since before Buford, but he couldn’t stop his desperation for a miracle, for their family to come and rescue them, for _anything._

It didn’t matter that he knew it wouldn’t change anything. All that mattered was that he was willing to do anything if it meant he got to see Spencer’s smiling face every day for the rest of his life.

That was all he’d ever wanted, after all.

Still, both men had always been dealt bad hands.

And he knew.

He knew in his soul.

He felt it in his bones the moment Spencer’s chest stilled and his eyelids drifted closed and his heartbeat slowed until there was nothing left.

He watched as Spencer couldn’t fight any longer and he watched as he lost the one thing in life he swore he’d never give up.

He didn’t scream like he would’ve thought he would. He didn’t get angry and go after Vallejo.

He just sat there.

He just sat there leaning against the wall under the faint glow of the crack between the curtains, the street lamps providing him the ability to see Spencer’s face through it all.

He thought briefly about trying to break the window again, like he had tried earlier but to no avail with nothing but his body to use against what seemed to be bulletproof glass.

But he couldn’t move.

Not with Spencer in his arms, not when he felt like his body wasn’t even his own, but rather a shell of what he had been.

He couldn’t bring himself to take his eyes off of Spencer.

Not even as the door burst open and the beam of a flashlight landed on his face.

* * *

Emily Prentiss had seen a lot of things in her life.

She had seen people mutilated in unthinkable ways, she had seen victims, crime scenes, bodies, weapons, teammates broken, families destroyed—

She had seen much more than most would ever be able to live with and she was proud of that. She was proud that she could do a job that helped others even if it ruined her bit by bit every day.

Over the years, she had convinced herself that she and her team, her _family,_ were invincible.

The BAU has never lost an agent in the field. They had all been hurt in horrible ways; shot, beaten, kidnapped, and anything else unsubs had come up with, but they’d never lost an agent.

They had come close.

She saw firsthand what had happened to the team.

But still, she came back.

There was no coming back from this.

It was, without a second thought, the worst thing she’d ever seen.

It was a scene just like all of the previous victims and their partners—one cradling the other’s bleeding body—but she knew the moment she saw them that this was what would finally break her.

This was what would break them all.

She saw Derek first, her flashlight catching his face as the tear tracks on his cheeks glistened in the light.

And then she saw Spencer.

Their baby genius.

Her little brother.

And all her training went right out the window.

She stumbled backwards out of the doorway, emptying her stomach down the hall as tears came rushing to her eyes and the room started spinning.

She couldn’t even believe it at first, but she knew the moment she saw him that he was long gone.

The rest of the team was in the house.

She could remember Hotch and JJ going left as she and Rossi took the hallway on the right and, as if on cue, the older profiler reappeared in the hallway.

He recognized the look on her face immediately.

As he moved to catch a stumbling Emily by her shoulders, he caught a glimpse into the room behind her and his heart shattered.

He gently guided Emily to a wall where she could catch her breath without getting sick again before tapping into his direct comm line to Hotch.

“Aaron,” he started, his voice hoarse and broken even for a man who had seen it all and then some. “Aaron, you need to get JJ out of here, don’t let her come our way.”

He rushed out his words, knowing the younger man would painfully understand both his implication and his urgency.

Before he knew it he could hear the sound of JJ protesting as Hotch seemingly carried her out of the house with force. He hated having to do it, but there was no way he could let her see the scene.

With Emily taken care of for the time being, he composed himself enough to go into the room.

It was a moment he knew he’d never forget, seeing his boys like that. Hell, he loved them all like they were his own kids, and Aaron almost like a little brother, but parents should never have to lose their children.

He tried not to think about how much blood he walked through as he crossed the room slowly and as non-threateningly as possible.

With every step, he expected Derek to look up, to make any indication that he knew Rossi was there, but he didn’t. Not even as Rossi took a brief moment for himself to gently brush the kid’s hair from his forehead and kiss it gently.

“Derek,” he started, keeping his voice soft and using his first name in hopes of keeping him detached from work. “Derek, can you hear me?”

He gave no reaction.

Rossi sighed, feeling his own eyes brimming with tears as the reality of what had happened began to sink in.

Despite knowing in his heart that he didn’t need to, he placed two fingers carefully under Reid’s jaw and felt for an absent pulse. He shuddered at the discovery, his stomach churning as he took in the scene of what had clearly been a painful and traumatic few hours for both men, but Derek in particular.

“Morgan,” he tried, still getting no reaction. He pulled out his phone. “I’m gonna’ call Hotch in, kid. Just hold tight, we’re getting you out of here.”

Morgan still didn’t respond as Rossi continued speaking with Hotch on the phone.

“Aaron, it’s bad. It’s so bad,” he spoke, his emotions taking over his voice. “Is JJ taken care of? We...we can’t let her see this.”

Hotch expresses his agreement and assured Dave that she was being driven back to the station by one of the local officers and that he was heading in.

He didn’t want Aaron to have to see this either, but he was their unit chief and he deserved to know what happened to his agents. More importantly, he was family.

“No...” Dave heard a voice behind him speak as he glanced over his shoulder at the man in the doorway who was quickly crossing the floor and kneeling down into the blood-soaked wood. “Spencer?” His voice was already cracking as his ‘Agent Hotchner’ façade crumbled away into Aaron Hotchner, the grieving father. His hands cradled the young man’s face and Rossi put an arm around him for support.

“I’ll get him, don’t worry,” Rossi assured his closest friend. “Just get Derek and Emily our of here before the local officers start grilling them.”

Hotch nodded, squeezing the tears out of his eyes as he stood and backed away as Rossi gently lifted the kid’s body into his arms. His head lolled as the support of Derek’s shoulder disappeared and it took everything David Rossi had not to break down right there. He had never moved so slowly or held anything so gently as he carried their youngest agent to where the ambulance was waiting. He was grateful beyond words that they spared him having to hear the announcement of death for their medical records.

Hotch watched intently as Derek seemed to hardly react to Spencer being taken away from him, only curling away into the wall and keeping his expression vacant.

“Derek?” He prompted as gently as he could. All he could think about was the night he had to tell Jack that Haley was dead. “Morgan, can you stand?” With no answer, he carefully braced the younger man’s arms and slowly lifted him onto his feet. He moved with no resistance as if there was nothing left for him to do of his own free will.

They walked slowly, for both of their sakes, only stopping as he once again passed Emily sitting on the floor outside the door, her eyes scrubbed red and her face pale. She scrambled to her feet as she saw the two men, placing herself under Hotch’s other arm and clinging to his vest.

Hotch gently guided them both to where a second ambulance was waiting, the one carrying Spencer’s body had already left with Rossi riding along. Neither profiler dared to let their watchful stated leave Morgan as the EMTs examined him before ultimately seeming him free of any serious injury and wrapping him in a blanket to hopefully make up for the blood soaking his clothes.

As Hotch’s phone eventually rang, he stood up, Emily taking that as her cue to move in, shifting to sit right beside her partner and rest her head on his shoulder.

“Aaron, how are they?” Rossi asked on the other end. “We...we just got to the ME’s office, and I couldn’t watch.”

Hotch nodded to himself in understanding.

“Dave, he won’t even look at anyone. He’s just staring, I don’t know...” he trailed off. “How do we fix this?”

Rossi felt yet another pang in his chest for his younger counterpart.

“I wish we could, but you and I both know,” he paused, glancing at the door he couldn’t stomach walking into. “There’s no way we’re coming back from this.”

Neither man spoke for a few minutes, both just taking the time to try to compose themselves and let things sink in.

“He’s in shock, Aaron, he’ll come around soon enough,” he assured him, praying he would be right. “Besides...I need to call Penelope. She’ll find a way down here however possible. I know you’ll feel better with the whole family here.”

The correction that their family would never be whole again went unspoken.

“You tell Penelope, I’ll tell JJ. We’ll meet back at the station as soon as we can.”

As Dave eventually hung up the phone he walked into a more secluded area, telling a nurse he’d be down the hall if they needed him.

Somebody had to do it.

His team had been through enough already.

He could take it.

“Penelope?” He spoke as his call clicked through.

“At your service,” she replied, chipper as ever.

He sighed, running a hand down his face.

“Penelope you need to get here as quickly as you can,” he explained, trying to keep his emotions at bay for the sake of getting his urgency across. “It should only be a couple of hours drive this late at night, but hurry.”

She stammered a bit before she stopped abruptly.

“Did...did you find our boys?” She asked timidly.

“We did,” she exhaled, sounding like a massive weight lifted off her shoulders and Rossi almost felt bad for giving her a bit of hope.

“Oh thank you, thank you,” she rambled, the sound of keys jingling in the background. “I don’t know what I would do.”

She sounded so happy and, from the sound of it, she was getting on the road immediately.

“Come meet me at the local ME’s office when you get here. I...I can’t tell you what happened over the phone, it’s not right.”

A brief silence followed.

“You-you can tell me on the phone, I hear bad news on the phone every day. I can take it, I promise,” she argued, putting a sad smile on the older man’s face.

“I just can’t. I need you to be able to drive, Penelope. Please, just meet me here before you go to the local station,” he continued.

“Okay, okay,” she caved. “As long as I get to go see my babies.”

He quickly said goodbye and hung up before he could say anything else.

He waited for a while, a few staff members coming in to let him know they were finished, but he just sat alone and in silence.

At least until JJ showed up.

She walked slowly into the room, surprising the older profiler who rushed to her side when he saw the tears on her cheeks and the puffiness of her eyes.

“Jennifer-“

She shook her head at his attempt to comfort her.

“Where is he?” She croaked, her voice clearly hoarse from what he could only imagine was plenty of screaming and sobbing. “ _Please_ , I-I need to see him.”

He put his arms around her shaking frame for just a few moments, hoping to ease her desperation, and she quickly reciprocated the contact.

“You’re sure you want-“

“I just want to say goodbye,” she choked out, breaking the older man’s heart as he stroked her hair gently as she cried for the loss of her best friend. He should’ve known she would need that comfort. Even if it was hard for her to see him like that, she deserved a chance to get that closure and he couldn’t deny her that.

“Come with me, kiddo,” he spoke softly, going slowly as JJ walked on shaky legs down the hall towards the medical examiner’s room. He followed her inside as JJ’s eyes latched onto the body on the table in the middle of the room, both grateful for the sheet over top.

JJ’s hands shook as she reached for the edge of the sheet and carefully pulled it back, a sharp gasp escaping her lips as she saw his face.

_“Oh, Spence,”_ she sobbed, her hands cradling his face as she bent down to rest her head against his still chest. His blood-stained clothes were gone and her fingers just traced along his skin, which was somehow even paler than usual.

Rossi walked over to her, carefully placing his hand on her shoulder.

“You want some time alone?” She nodded into Spencer’s chest and Rossi squeezed her shoulder once before leaving the room.

He pulled out his phone as he walked back to the lobby, calling Garcia to find out that she was only a few more miles out of town.

He let JJ take her time as he waited for Penelope to show up, leaving the building to meet her as he spotted her car pulling into the parking lot.

“Do I get to know what’s going on now?” She immediately asked when she saw the older man, exiting the car and rushing towards him.

He took a deep breath and looked her in the eye.

“We found them,” he started with a tone that he hoped conveyed that there was bad news to come. “Derek is okay, he’s at the local police station with Hotch and Emily.” Garcia nodded, but looked up as Dave’s hands gripped her shoulders for the blow he was about to give.

“And…and Reid?”

Rossi blinked slowly, the emotions bubbling to the surface again.

“He didn’t make it, Penelope. I’m so sorry,” he spoke brokenly as he watched the young woman’s expression crumble as she fell to her knees. She didn’t speak, instead giving short, pained gasps and sobs as she cried. Rossi kneeled down beside her, pulling her in towards his chest and she didn’t fight the comfort.

With shaking hands, she pulled a small necklace that was tucked under her characteristically-colorful sweater and held it against her lips, closing her eyes and leaning against her father-figure for comfort.

Rossi didn’t ask about the necklace he had never seen her wear before, but when it seemed that some of the shock had worn off, he helped her up off the ground.

“JJ is here too if you want to see her. She’s…saying her goodbyes. I know it hurts, kid, it hurts me too, but if you want to do the same once she’s done, you’re welcome to do so. I’ll go with you if you don’t want to go in alone, or I can just take you both to the station once JJ is done, okay?”

Garcia nodded, still clenching the necklace tightly in her fist.

“I don’t…” she trailed off, trying to pull her voice together enough to form at least a short sentence. “I _can’t_ …I can’t see him like that.”

Rossi nodded in understanding, not surprised by her answer. He guided her gently back inside the building until they reached the waiting room and Garcia immediately sunk into a chair. He sat right beside her, not letting go of her arms.

“Want to talk about it?” He questioned, trying to figure out what would be the best way to help. It just gutted him to see her so heartbroken.

She nodded, pressing her hand wrapped around the necklace to her lips.

Rossi began slowly rubbing his hand on her upper back to calm her down as she cried.

“I know it hurts, kid, just let it out,” he started as she began to cry harder. “Just breathe, take your time.”

She sniffled before taking her glasses off and wiping her eyes, not doing much to stop her makeup from running down her cheeks.

“He’s really gone?” She eventually asked quietly.

“I can hardly believe it myself,” he admitted, pulling his wallet out of his coat pocket. Right beside the photo of Joy and her family was a photo of the whole team together at JJ’s wedding what felt like just a few years ago. He pulled it out and traced his fingers over their smiling faces. Derek had his arm around Spencer’s waist and he had the widest smile on his face, clutching JJ’s hand on the opposite side. “What’s a world worth saving if you can’t even save the most important parts.”

Penelope leaned over, resting her head on the older man’s shoulder, Rossi wrapping his arm around her shoulder and pulling her close.

“He gave me this necklace a few years ago,” she spoke up, holding the chain like it was something precious, which he supposed it was. For the first time since she had pulled it out from its hiding place, he could finally see the charm at the end. It was a small heart-shaped gemstone with varying ripples of pink and gray and a small, antiqued gold cage around it that seemingly opened. She unclasped the caging, removing the gemstone and holding it in both hands. “He said he went antique shopping with his mom once when he went to visit her and found it.”

Rossi chuckled lightly, knowing it was absolutely something the kid would’ve done.

“It was after I got shot. He knew I was hurting and I told him once that…that when I’m hurting I like to cling to familiar objects that I know I can’t lose,” she continued, her voice starting to break again as she carefully rubbed the stone between her fingers. “And he told me that he would always be there for me when I was _hurting_.”

As she broke down into sobs, her shoulders shook and Rossi didn’t try to rush her into continuing until she was ready.

“He told me…” she breathed shakily, composing herself. “That if there was ever a time that he couldn’t be there…that I would have a piece of him to hold onto forever.” She even smiled a little through her tears. “It’s called rhodochrosite—the stone in the necklace,” she explained, handing it over carefully to the older man. The sentiment that she trusted him to be careful with it wasn’t lost on him. “He said in the thirties it became very popular in Argentina, where it was originally mined from.”

He sighed fondly, entirely able to hear the kid’s voice in his head rattling off the facts as Penelope relayed them to him.

“He knows how much I believe in stuff like this even though there’s no science behind it, but it’s said to ease pain and…and it’s known as a symbol of unconditional love,” she choked out, Rossi passing the stone back over as she clenched it tightly against her heart, placing it back into the locket. “Or, I guess…he _knew.”_

Just as Rossi was about to make her stand up so he could hug her for real, JJ walked into the room and both of them snapped their gazes up to hers.

Her eyes were red and puffy, as was expected, but she was visibly shaking and looked like she was ready to collapse at any moment. The moment she saw her, Penelope practically jumped out of her seat and wrapped the taller woman up in her arms, squeezing her tightly like a lifeline that they both needed.

Rossi stood slowly, putting one hand on each of their shoulders, “I’ll be in the SUV outside. Take as much time as you need, I just have to call Hotch and sort some things out.”

He left quietly, thanking the staff members he passed on his way out for letting them grieve in peace.

JJ and Garcia stayed inside for a while, as Dave had expected, but the longer he was in the car alone, the longer he had to work out the details of what they could possibly do next.

He called Hotch first, checking up on Morgan and Emily too as he told Aaron how JJ and Penelope were doing. According to Hotch, Morgan still wasn’t talking or even reacting much to anything or anyone, but they were both hoping that if anyone could bring him some sort of comfort, it would be Penelope.

Hotch had apparently been talking to Strauss as well and letting her know what had happened. He had told her that the team was not in the right place to be dealing with funeral arrangements, and they especially weren’t ready to talk about potential replacement team members. Dave couldn’t even try to hide the sound of hurt that came out at the mere suggestion that anyone could ever replace their beloved genius, let alone even come close to filling the void in their family that he had left.

“I know, I told her there was no way, Dave. I think after a while she understood that the team is going to need to shut down altogether for a while. This…this isn’t something that’s going to be fixed anytime soon, and especially not with a new team member,” Hotch spoke, the tiredness seeping into his voice. “Emily is a wreck, to be honest. I don’t even know what to do to help, she just…”

“Yeah,” Rossi sighed, his heart aching for his family. “She saw one of the worst things anyone in this job could ever see and lived to remember it. God knows she’ll never forget it. You don’t need an eidetic memory to know that image is never going away.”

He spoke sadly, knowing he was speaking not only for Emily but for himself as well. He’d never forget seeing the young man he loved like his own son lying lifeless in his fiancé’s arms, surrounded by puddles of his own blood. It was horrific by any standard, but for someone they were all supposed to protect…it was a curse he wouldn’t wish on his greatest enemies.

“I’d like to talk with her when she gets back, but if you’d let JJ know she can take the jet home if she wants to get back to see her family, or if she wants to fly them out instead. I know Penelope drove down, but I can have an agent from the field office take her car back so she can travel with the team. I’d hate to have her drive back all alone,” Aaron rambled, clearly overwhelmed with trying to make sure everyone on the team was okay. It didn’t take a profiler to see that. “I…I need to call his mom. Or at least her nurse, that way they know. She deserves to know if she wants to come to see him. And Derek’s family—he’d probably want them here. I’ll call them and see how quickly we can fly them out, but we’ll need to extend the hotel bookings and-“

“Aaron,” Rossi cut in before the younger man stressed himself into an aneurism. “Breathe. We’ll figure it all out together, but don’t get so worked up about it. Everything will get taken care of, I promise. You’re doing fine, just take some time to collect yourself.”

He could hear the other man listening to his advice and taking a few deep breaths.

“I just can’t believe…” he spoke up again after a few moments, his voice hushed. “The BAU has never lost an agent before. _I_ lost an agent, Dave—I lost the kid.”

Dave could tell he was crying, even if he was doing a good job of hiding it in his voice, but he was definitely eager to go comfort one of his closest friends. He figured that would be happening a lot in the coming weeks and months, not that he minded. They were all young. Most of them had never suffered a loss quite like this before. Never as brutal. Never so unexpected.

Hotch had lost Haley just a few years back, Penelope had lost both of her parents when she was a teenager, JJ lost her sister, the list went on.

They had all suffered far too much in their lives, Spencer highly included.

This was just one more blow that might finally shatter them all for good.

He looked up to see the two women walking out of the building arm-in-arm and he smiled, thankful that they were able to lean on each other. Those two were always the ones that loved the loudest. Emily, was quiet about it, as were Dave and Aaron. They didn’t love any less, but to them it was something secret; something reserved only for those who had earned the privilege of witnessing it. JJ and Penelope were the ones that weren’t afraid to let the whole world see how much love they had in their hearts. So was Derek, much to the surprise of many. Sure, he was a flirt and loved using pet names and constantly indulged in any physical contact he could get, but he loved louder than anyone expected. He told them all how much he loved them nearly every time they parted ways, and that only got stronger as the years went on. Ever since Emily’s “death” a couple of years back, he had taken to hugs and ‘I love you’s at every departure, and none of the other team members could say they ever disliked it. It was comforting to always be reminded that they were loved by the people around them.

Spencer had always been shy about it like the others, not really to anyone’s surprise, but Derek always brought out the social side in him, and that came with increased comfort in physical affection and ‘I love you’s. He was the kind to use small gestures and actions to show his love, and it fit perfectly into the rest of the team.

They could’ve gone through all the years without ever hearing him say he loved them and they still would’ve known it.

They only hoped that the times they’d all said it back was enough for him to know how much they loved him in return.

Rossi, Garcia, and JJ arrived at the local precinct in just a few minutes, driving in silence as they all waited. anxiously for the inevitable heartbreak at the impending reunion.

Rossi spotted Hotch across the bullpen when they walked in and the three crossed the room to meet him before any of the local cops could stop them for any questions of baseless condolences.

Aaron hugged all three of them on arrival, surprising them all just a little because of how rarely they’d all experienced Aaron Hotchner hugs.

“Derek’s in the empty break room down that hallway,” he explained, pointing for the group. “Emily’s been waiting with him and trying to get him to say something, but so far he’s still really out of it. As is to be expected, I mean…I can’t even imagine if I had been there with Haley.” The surprising admission was not lost on the group, shocking them at his openness and leading to a few extra hugs at their boss’s old wounds that had definitely been reopened in light of recent events. Dave stayed behind for a little while and JJ offered to check up on Emily and maybe take her mind off of things for a while and Penelope was eager to check up on Derek.

They tried to open the door as quietly and as carefully as possible as to not make any sudden noises, but Emily was quickly on her feet, hugging them both. JJ pulled her outside to give Penelope some space and the two women headed into the bullpen for some much-needed coffee and a plan to drive around for a bit and collect their thoughts.

Penelope walked through the room slowly and as quietly as she could, but her shoes clucking on the linoleum floor guaranteed that her presence was known.

There was an old couch where her best friend was sitting, legs folded in front of him with an FBI windbreaker around his shoulders that didn’t appear to be his own. He didn’t look up at her as she came closer, not even as she said his name, but when she sat down across the couch, his glazed eyes seemed to adjust a little and she was sure that he knew she was there. She was desperate to reach out to him, not only to comfort him but for her own sake. Even though she held back from the bone-crushing hug she so desperately wanted to give, she reached out to brush her fingers against his as they laid shaking in his lap.

His breath hitched at the contact and his unfocused gaze finally seemed to break. He blinked a few times, his resolve turning into pure heartbreak as his attempt to block everything out and dissociate finally fell apart. Penelope moved closer on the couch until she could grasp one of his hands tightly in hers and squeezed.

Tears began to fall down his cheeks as soon as the physical contact seemed to register in his mind and he began leaning towards her, naturally gravitating towards her comfort like he always had.

Garcia couldn’t hold it in either and was overcome with grief as she pulled the man into her arms and cradled his head against her shoulder, rocking back and forth gently.

“I know,” she mumbled softly, knowing even the most honest reassurances wouldn’t do anything to make either of them feel better, but she couldn’t help herself. She was the nurturing type by nature and she couldn’t just let her closest friend stew in so much pain without at least attempting to help. “I know it hurts, just let it out.”

She pressed her forehead against Derek’s as they sat there together, crying until there were no tears left. At one point she could hear someone walking by to check up on them through the window, but she was grateful that the door never opened. Garcia just kept running her hands along the heartbroken man’s back, trying to ease his sobs, but unsurprisingly to no avail.

“Derek,” she choked out, resting her chin on top of his head. She knew exactly what thoughts were going through his head. She’d felt them all before years and years ago, but she’d never forget the feeling. The guilt that ate her alive. “I’m so glad you’re _safe_.”

Not ‘okay’.

He was _safe._

He might never be okay again, but at least he was safe.

“I don’t know...” she trailed off when she felt Derek’s fists tighten in the back of her sweater. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if I lost you _both_.”

Tears were free-flowing down her face and she had long since given up trying to stop them, but she couldn’t stop her brain from flooding with her beloved baby genius’s face.

She definitely wasn’t expecting Derek to say anything in response, but she knew that she expressed her emotions through words. Her “love language,” as Spencer had once told her, was classified as ‘words of affirmation’ and she thought it was aptly fitting. She loved telling people how much she loved them. She loved nicknames and teasing and jokes and she knew that if she didn’t talk about everything inside her heart, she’d drown in her feelings. Derek knew that better than anyone.

“Does this help at all?” She eventually asked, her fingers gently tracing along the back of his neck down to his shoulder blades as he cried. “Because if so I will be here for as long as you need, but as much as I want to never let you go, I will give you space if you need it. You don’t even have to ask.”

Derek just squeezed her tighter and nodded into her shoulder.

“I’ll always be here to take care of you, you know that right?” She asked quietly, her voice breaking. “No matter what, you can always come to me.”

He nodded again and Penelope was satisfied with that as an answer. As long as he knew that, she could manage.

* * *

“Dave,” Hotch spoke up as Rossi walked back into the spare office to find his boss. “Strauss wants to know if we should disband the unit until further notice.”

There was heartbreak written all over his face. Rossi sighed, sinking into a nearby chair.

“I...I can’t help but think he’d hate me for shutting down the team, but I can’t even imagine going back to work without the kid,” Hotch confessed, his brow furrowed and his face visibly tired and pained. “I just know that the moment I see Jack, I’m going to lose it and if I look Morgan in the eyes I’m gonna’ lose it, and if I see his empty desk I’m-“

“Okay, okay Aaron just take a deep breath,” Rossi interrupted, putting his hands on the younger man’s shoulders to stop his breakdown. “You don’t have to decide everything all by yourself, were here to help each other get through this, okay?” Hotch nodded. “Okay. For now, we tell Strauss to shut down the unit. I know-I _know_ it’s not what anyone wants to do, but if we try to go back out there it’s not going to be safe. We’re risking every member of this team whenever we’re in the field, but after this it’s different. We went through it with Elle and Gideon and even after we lost Emily for a while, but this is going to be different. No one on this team knows how to handle losing one of their own the way we did, not even you Aaron. No one expects you to have the answers, we just need to be there for each other.”

Hotch seemed to ponder the older man’s words for a moment before he sighed and whispered a quiet and pained “thank you” before Dave took that as his cue to leave.

He hadn’t exactly intended to be in charge of taking care of his team members and checking up on all of them, but he couldn’t help but feel like he needed to. He couldn’t stand to see any of them hurting, especially when they were all the family he had, and if that meant going from person to person making sure they’re alright, then he’d just keep going. Looking around the bullpen, he received pitied looks from the local officers and everyone else in the station that had heard the news, but the couldn’t care less. He had expected to see Emily or JJ around somewhere, but they had left in one of the SUV’s earlier, according to one of the detectives. He took a quick glance at Penelope and Derek in the empty break room, smiling to himself as he saw that Garcia had seemingly broken Morgan out of his shock.

Dave couldn’t help but feel absolutely heartbroken for the kid in more ways than one. Even before they were together in a romantic sense, there was an unbreakable bond between the two men. They were insanely protective of each other, especially Derek, and it was clear that their bond went far beyond that of any other member of the team, not that any of them minded. Spencer was a tough kid even before what happened with Hankel, Gideon leaving, and his anthrax incident, but after everything the two just gravitated together.

It had been so many years since he had lost Carolyn, but the more he thought about her, the more it still hurt his heart just as much as the day it happened. He had been so lucky, though, in comparison. They had both known Carolyn was dying, she had even told him she wanted to end her own life sooner rather than later, and he never had to see her in any pain. It was fast and he was still incredibly grateful for that.

Derek didn’t get to have that.

Instead, he had to hold the man he loved for hours as he laid there bleeding out and in pain and-

God, it killed him just to think about it.

He couldn’t stomach the idea of their kid going out like that.

Sure, they all knew that every time they went out on a case, there was a chance they might not come home, but it was always under the pretense that it would be quick—something like a gunshot to the head in a shootout or maybe a car accident in a high-speed chase—but to see one of their teammates become one of the unsub’s victims before they even had the chance to catch him…it was so much worse than anything any of them could’ve imagined. His head was nearly spinning with thoughts of the boy he loved like a son laying there bleeding out and in so much pain with Derek there pleading and doing everything he can to help him hold on as they waited for their team that _wasn’t even coming—_

“Dave?” He heard Aaron’s voice break through his thoughts and he sighed, taking a couple deep breaths.

“I’m fine, just thinking,” he assured the younger man, dragging his hands down his face and scrubbing his eyes. “I just can’t stop thinking about everything.”

Hotch gave a sad smile and sat down beside the other man. “You can talk to me, you know.”

Rossi huffed a small chuckle.

“I know, Aaron. Thank you,” he sighed with a small smile. “I just…I just can’t stop wishing I could’ve said goodbye, you know?”

Hotch sat down beside him.

“I do. I keep replaying that phone call in my head and I can’t stop hearing his voice,” he admitted, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “I can’t believe I didn’t see it when he called me. His voice…he sounded so calm like he wasn’t afraid anymore. If I wasn’t distracted by the fact that we thought our profile was wrong…I didn’t even notice they had been gone so long. They were there waiting for us to come save them and-“

Rossi clapped a hand on the younger man’s shoulder, effectively stopping his train of thought.

“I’m sorry, I’m supposed to be listening to you and I’m just talking even more,” he chuckled awkwardly, a strange sight for the usually stoic man. “In a way, I just wish I hadn’t picked up the phone. It’s selfish, I just…I just know I’m never going to forgive myself.”

Rossi nodded, knowing exactly what the other man meant. Hell, he couldn’t help but feel guilty himself even just for not being able to help. For letting their youngest be the first field loss for the unit.

“I’d give just about anything to hear his voice right now,” Dave admitted. “I don’t think I hugged the kid in almost a year. He…he deserved so much better than what he got.”

And that really was the kicker. The fact they’d all accepted, but that no one had explicitly said aloud until that moment.

Spencer Reid deserved better than he got. Not just better than how he died, but better than the horrors he’d faced for the last ten years in the BAU. He was supposed to be their legacy. The one that would carry the BAU long after the rest of them were gone, but in a horrifying turn of events-

“I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do this job after this, Aaron, and…and that’s terrifying,” Dave admitted, keeping his gaze trained down at his hands. “I just know that the second his picture goes up on that wall, I’ll never be able to walk into that building again.”

Hotch nodded out of the older man’s view.

“I know the second I see Jack again, it’ll ruin me.”

It continued to go unsaid. The immense protective paternal nature they had both felt for the kid over the years that only magnified his loss.

“We’ll find a way,” Rossi said after a few moments of trying to find the right words.

“And if we don’t?”

They sighed, knocking their shoulders together.

“Then we don’t. We stick together and we take care of each other and we leave the job behind if we have to.”

And Hotch nodded, content at the very least, with what their unfortunate future might look like.

* * *

Emily had pulled over into an empty restaurant parking lot when JJ told her she needed the other woman’s help. She pulled out her phone and quickly dialed the number she had known by heart for years, still hesitant to press the call button.

“I need to call him, right?” She asked nervously, looking for any reassurance.

Emily smiled at her sadly.

“You know I’d do it for you if you’re not ready. He should know if you’re going to take a few extra days before coming home, but you don’t have to be the one to do it,” she reassured her closest friend.

JJ looked back down at the phone and nodded.

“Will you stay here with me? In case it gets too hard?” She asked like it was some huge favor and, even though Emily knew exactly why it was happening, it didn’t hurt her heart any less to hear her best friend’s voice so sad.

“Of course,” she defaulted, grabbing JJ’s free hand tightly and the blonde finally pressed the dial button.

The phone rang for a few moments before Will’s southern drawl rang through the quiet vehicle and JJ’s eyes began to water again.

“Will?” She began, her voice still hoarse from hours and hours of crying, but Emily could see the momentary relief flood her body as she heard her husband’s voice.

“I’m here, babe, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” The worry in his voice was clear as day and Emily squeezed JJ’s hand tighter.

“ _No,”_ she cried softly, a tear rolling down her cheek that Emily brushed away quickly. “ _It’s not okay.”_

Will was definitely very worried from the string of questions that followed, but JJ didn’t seem to be in any position to answer them, so Emily took a deep breath and picked up the phone.

“Will? It’s Emily,” she started, keeping her eyes on her friend as she let the phone speakers keep them both in the loop. “I’m with JJ, she’s safe, but she won’t be coming home for an extra few days at least.”  
“What happened? Is she hurt? I can get down there in a couple of hours, just-“

“It’s not her, Will, don’t worry. She’s okay, I promise,” she explained, ignoring the fact that JJ was definitely not okay, but that as far as explanations were concerned, she was okay enough. “It’s Spencer, he…”

She trailed off when JJ let out a sob at their friend’s name. Even Emily felt her throat tighten up and she had to take a moment to compose herself.

Luckily for them both, Will understood immediately.

“Oh…oh god, I’m so sorry,” he spoke, clearly genuinely upset from the tone of his voice. She knew he cared about his son’s godfather about as much as he did any of their family members, but it was sweet to hear anyway. “Can…can she hear me still?” He asked, referring to JJ.

Emily nodded once before catching herself, “Yes, yeah she’s still here with me.”

Will paused for a moment before speaking again.

“Jen, baby, listen to me for a minute,” he started, speaking softly and slowly. Emily handed the phone back for JJ to hold. “Take as long as you need to come home. If you want me there, I’ll come down there, but if you’re not ready yet, that’s okay. I love you. I’m here for you no matter what, okay? I’ll tell Henry if you want me to, but just take care of yourself, yeah? Let Emily and the others take care of you like I know they will.”

JJ continued crying, but cradled the phone in her hands like it was something precious.

“You’re so strong, JJ,you’re the strongest woman I’ve ever known and he would be so proud of you,” Will continued, keeping his voice quiet and comforting. Emily couldn’t help but let a few silent tears fall herself as JJ continued sobbing in the passenger seat beside her. “He loved you so much, darlin’.”

JJ was almost fully curled around the phone in her hands at that point, pulling her legs up to her chest and resting her forehead on her knees.

“I’m willing to bet he’s gonna’ keep on lookin’ after all of you, but he loved you so much. That’s all that matters. He’s gonna’ keep looking out for you because that’s what he’s always done. I love that kid because he always took good care of my girl,” Will sighed. “So take your time comin’ home if you need to. I know that team of yours is gonna’ take good care of you ’til I can.”

Emily took the phone out of JJ’s hands, turning off the speaker and thanking Will quickly and quietly before hanging up. She turned to the woman in the seat beside her and took both of JJ’s hands in her own.

“Do you feel any better at all?” She asked gently. JJ nodded, still crying heavily. “Do you want me to come over there?”

She smiled a little as JJ nodded fiercely and Emily quickly exited her seat and rounded the car to climb into the passenger seat and pull her best friend into her arms and onto her lap. It was no secret that they were both incredibly protective. Every member of their team was, but over the years as they all grew closer to one another, it changed from just wanting to keep each other physically safe to wanting to make sure none of them were hurting at all, physically or emotionally.

“Are you going to leave?” JJ asked after a while of sitting in relative silence. Emily knew she wasn’t referring to leaving the car or even leaving to go back home. She meant leaving the team.

“I don’t know. I don’t think it would be very wise of me to make any decisions while everything is so fresh,” she admitted, her friend still sitting in her lap. “I know I would understand anyone that ended up leaving. I just...I don’t know if I could bring myself to leave behind the one thing that’ll always remind me of him.”

The more she thought about it, the more accurate it was. She didn’t like settling down, she’d always been afraid of planting roots anywhere, but this was different. For the first time in Emily Prentiss’ life, she knew with her whole heart that she’d rather stay than go. Without a single doubt in her mind, she knew that she was where she was always meant to end up. This was her family. The BAU was her home.

It had been years since she had even spoken to any of the members of her biological family, but she quickly decided that if they had never felt the need to reach out, then she was perfectly happy with the new family she’d found herself a part of.

“I don’t have a family to come home to outside of this team,” she admitted, her chin on JJ’s head. “If I did, I don’t think I could stomach leaving them, but this team is all I have.”

JJ nodded in understanding. She knew the others wouldn’t blame her for wanting to stay with her family after everything that happened, but she definitely wouldn’t let them go. They were just as much a part of her family as her husband and kids were and she’d find a way to uphold that even if she didn’t come back to work for a while.

“You ready to head back to the station? I’m hoping Penelope made some progress with Derek so we can see him,” Emily prompted and JJ quickly agreed, not wanting to stew in their grief in the car any longer.

Emily returned to the driver's seat and started heading back towards the local precinct, trying to pretend like everything was okay.

Hotch was standing outside the building when they arrived, busying himself by adjusting his collar and tie. Emily stole a quick glance at JJ before they both exited the SUV, fearful of more bad news.

“Did something happen?” JJ asked quickly as she hurried over to her boss.

“I spoke to Reid’s mother’s nurse. She went into an episode when she got the news so the nurses are going to try telling her again in a day or so. They don’t think it’s safe for her to come out and see him, but I think it’s for the best. Garcia said Morgan’s been talking to her a bit, but she hasn’t brought up what happened, so until then it’s all hands on deck to arrange everything ourselves.” The two women nodded, not surprised but disappointed nonetheless. “I hate even thinking about this.”

It was a rare display of genuine sorrow, but the sentiment was followed by a small group hug that the older man greatly appreciated. The best thing about working with profilers was that they always seemed to know the things he was too afraid to say out loud.

“Do you think Penelope would be willing to tap out for a little while?” Emily asked, hopeful she could see her friend. JJ nodded, eager to make sure Morgan was at least relatively okay.

Hotch glanced back at the nearest window before he shrugged.

“I’d say it’s worth a shot. It might even help him to have the rest of you there too,” he suggested. “But don’t take it personally if he doesn’t react well, apparently it took Penelope almost an hour before he even looked at her.”

The girls nodded and the three profilers headed back inside the building. Thankfully most of the local officers had been courteous enough to give them all space, but Hotch was swiftly pulled aside by the sheriff to go over case details and the girls continued on their way.   
With a gentle knock, Penelope’s attention switched to the glass panel on the door and she quickly mumbled something to the man in her arms before standing and opening the door. Both women were met with a tight hug and kisses on both of their cheeks before Penelope took them both by the hand and slowly led them back to where Derek was still sitting on the small sofa.

“Derek? Is it alright if we join you two?” Emily asked as she sat down on the coffee table across from the man, JJ standing close behind her, gripping one of Emily’s hands over her shoulder. The man looked up to meet her eyes and exhaled heavily with relief, immediately pulling the brunette into his chest and hugging her tightly. His hand tightening in her hair as he seemed to be desperately assuring himself that she was alive the way he had done with Penelope previously. Emily welcomed the long embrace, relishing in the fact that, all things considered, there was one good thing to come out of what had happened. That Arthur Vallejo could’ve easily killed Derek too, but he didn’t. At least she still had her partner and there was one small silver lining to hold on to. Eventually Derek let her go to do the same thing to JJ, but she couldn’t help but admit that she felt even the slightest bit better. Like one of the missing pieces in her heart was back where it belonged. There would always be a Spencer Reid sized hole in her heart, but Derek was back safe and sound. She’d always be grateful for that.

JJ didn’t realize how badly she needed it until she was nestled in the arms of Derek Morgan and she suddenly felt a sense of belonging flood over her. Derek was probably the only person in the world that was hurting worse than she was. She had to admit that she was grateful that Diana wasn’t in a stable enough condition to understand what had happened to her son, as heartbreaking as it was. A small miracle, even if it was only fleeting. The only thing running through her mind as she sunk into Derek’s embrace was that she’d never be able to go on if something happened to Will or her boys. It was a horror they faced every day they went to work, but after years of surviving the worst that the world had to offer, she couldn’t help feeling a false sense of hope that they’d always end up okay.

_Maybe some people just aren’t meant to have a happy ending_ , she thought to herself as she tried to imagine how she’d get by without ever seeing her best friend again.

She thought back to Rosalyn and the morning she found her sister’s body. It was irreparable damage that she could’ve never prepared herself for but she survived. She survived and, because she knew that’s what Rosalyn would’ve wanted for her, she never let go of the love she had for her sister. She knew that Spencer wanted nothing more than to make her happy and maybe that would be enough to keep her going.

Maybe if the team could be that source of unconditional love for Derek, they’d all make it through this together.

After a few more minutes she felt two more sets of arms wrap around them both on opposite sides and she felt like her soul was finally finding a small semblance of peace.

They were going to fight like hell to make it out of this okay.

They would never stop fighting because Spencer fought for them and that was the promise they’d all made to each other.

No matter where life took them all, they’d never stop fighting for their family.

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! thanks for reading if you actually got through all that!
> 
> i finished it on the plane on my way to college and now I'm quarantined for two weeks so I'm all ears for any writing prompts or requests!! also I promise I love spencer so so much but I felt like he would be the most interesting subject to write this about so if anyone is interested I would consider writing another with a different character as the subject!
> 
> check out my tumblr @krustywhore if you're interested in any of my other cm related shitposting:)


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